13 posts from March 2009

If he wanted me that badly he would have made it happen ages ago. 

"Be the flame not the moth."

Some of Paris Hiltons finest word's to all womankind right there.

I am officially a girl with a plan- if you can call it that.

After reading - for the last 2 hours- crap about how to get boys to like you & how to figure out if they do & doing endless quizzes that tell me wether he likes me or not, I have decided to scrap all that shit and just go with it. He likes me, I like him. That's all there is to it - okay maybe apart from the slight mishap of his girlfriend.

I don't need to decode his texts or catch him staring at me, because he's already told me he like's me and yeah the signs are there & I don't need to look for them.

But, I have decided im not going to make this as easy anymore.

Ill make him suffer, okay kinda.

I kinda already made him suffer but atleast he knows where he stands with me aslong as he has a girlfriend.

I'm not going to flirt, he can initiate it from now on.

I' not going to chase, he should be the one chasing me afterall this palava.

I'm not going to answer his texts straight away, leave him stew for a abit.

I'm going to leave him guessing like I did the other day.

I'll aviod him see if he notices that he hasn't seen me.

I'll make eye contact and smile when I do see him.

& I could probably think of loads more when Im getting to it.

Leave um' wanting more.

Im not waiting, honestly.

Im just floating around going with the flow.

I can't be waiting on people anymore.

Doesn't mean I gave up, because I havn't, it's still what I want.

But Im just getting to many mixed signals right now.

I just have to trust what he's said, as hard as that is to do.

If it's gonna happen it will. If it doesn't im moving out, on & up anyways so it'll be his loss.

Wether he chooses to be part of it is up to him.

Everyone can see what we both want, I just guess somethings aren't ment to be & life's all about living, loving, laughing & learning.

So im choosing to just have fun & go with it, but if something more happens then so be it.

Today was the final Good-Bye. The last time I was ever going to see you, but yet it wasn't you. It was a coffin but I still couldn't bring myself to look at it knowing that your body was in there the person i'd grown up with the body of the woman I looked up to, the woman that made me smile. Fair doo's though them songs you chose, you knew they would kill us lot. It was heartbreaking, I literally felt a piece of me go with you, I know that sounds stupid because I wasn't that close to you but it will never be the same. It wasnt without Harvey and now we've lost you both. There's so much I want to and need to say but yet I can't find the words. I can't explain how I felt today even though I just tried. See if someone had given me a pen today to write down all the things I felt I probably could have, but now im just stumped. It hit me today that your gone and im not gonna see you again - like a tonne of bricks - but at the same time I still expect to see you sat in your chair when I walk in your house. I thought you were never going to die, you were one of the people I really thought could live forever. You had a memory book today at the wake, load of people signed it. But I didn't it not because I didn't want to its because I didn't know what to say or rather what would be appropriate to say. I didn't want people to read what I would have wrote. If I wirite it here now I know you'll hear it and no-one else.

Grannnahhhyy,

"Flowers bloom towards the sun,

Hope is fading one by one.

Photo's fade but memories last,

Im our heart's is where your cast."

I wrote that for you, it was only something quick - a verse, but it ment something to me & I know you liked a good ol' poem.

You are truly and amazing lady & I'll miss you forever and a day.

Love you.

I ment every word, I love you with all of my heart lady and I can't believe your gone, its unreal.

I loves you egg head, I hope your happy & safe & give Harvey a kiss for me coz I aint spoke to him for a while.

Tuesday 17th March 2009. 

We always learn the hard way that no-one lives forever & good-byes hurt more than ever.

So fill each day with tonnes of hugs, kisses, smiles & laughs.

For if tomorrow comes it will be worth ten times more than yesterday or today.

'Coz looking back can hurt more than the present, but looking into the eyes of your loved ones and seeing the future can change you forever.

Okay its official, I am Good Luck Chuck, that film is my love life. Sums me up so go watch it.

Basically this guy is cursed, he sleeps with girls and then the girls go get married or get realationships blah blah blah.

In my case someone shows interest in me or kisses me they get a realationship. So yeah you want a realtionship come lay one on me.

Someones gone and chosen some girl over me again - to tally up that's 3 this year and we're only in March hey thats one a month, pretty impressive - they never chose me, I dont know why.

But there is a bright side to this, im not the one in and out of realationships, im not the one having to deal with the stress of realationships. But I am the one that falls and has no-one to catch her coz their busy catching someone else, that being the down side.

I always get hurt because I keep holding onto something that just isn't worth it.

If a guy wants you he'll make it happen. I guess I just have to live by that from now on. I have to remind myself of it everytime I feel myself falling. Im not chasing anymore if they wanted me that bad they can chase me, if their not willing to then their just not worth it. Im better than that and I can do better than that. I don't need a boy and now I don't want one either. I would rather go out and flirt with 10 different men and not feel anything, Im 17 I don't need anyone but my friends and family - even thought its not much of one atm.

You know what it's a wonder my blood pressure is so god damn high. I've been stressing about one boy and yet nothing, he doesn't give two shits about me so why do it ? Why put myself through that. Well I can tell you something im not gonna anymore, yeah I still like him and we'll be mates but thats it maybe if he does the chasing ill give him a second chance a couplea months down the line but for now im moving on and keeping my options and mind well and truly open.

If he's gonna treat me like he has he doesn't deserve me & if he's gonna want a second chance he's gonna have to earn it big time. 'Coz the only people that get second chances from me are the ones that deserve it.

Love me or set me free,

 'Coz we can't go on like this forever.

It feels like the weight of the world.

All these feelings and emotions and I just don't know what to do with them.

I don't know how Im supposed to feel.

I want someone I cant have.

I want to be able to grieve but don't feel like I should.

I want to be able to just let go of alot of things but I can't.

I want to cut them out but can't.

I want to turn to someone but can't.

I want to feel wanted but don't.

I don't want to be used even though I know I probably will be.

I want to move on from this or move on with it.

I want it to happen so bad it hurts.

I want to stop feeling.

I want to stop caring.

I want it all to stop.

I want people to realize im here & I do have feelings to.

I don't want to have to keep being strong for everyone else, What about me?

I want someone to be strong for me for once.

I wish my heart didn't feel so heavy lately, Im carrying so much, it will break soon & i've used up all my glue.

I know your up there right now playing cards & making Harvey a cuppa' looking down on this mess, wondering how it came to this. Im wondeing the same thing. When did we stop becoming a family, where did all the hatered come from. There's just no need. Ruth doesn't deserve all this, she always wanted what was best for you & that's all she wants now is for you to be laid to rest peacefully. iI feel like I don't have the right to mourn you, like if I did people would be like "She never even saw her that much why does she care?". Truth is I know I could have done so much more and boy do I regret that now, but at the end of the day you were my gran & not only that you were such an amazing person and I feel privilaged to have known you let alone be your great-grandaughter. You always seemed like another nan to me, never a great-grandmother. You have no idea how much I and everyone loved you and the impact you had on lives of so many people. I mean who am I gonna have endless conversations with about poetry & story's? Whose gonna teach me how to play Rhummy? Whose gonna keep the scores on that marble game that I could never figure out? Whose gonna have that calming effect on everyone ? Whose gonna ive us all wise advice when we need it? Whose gonna be our logic? No-one has the sense of humour you ever had, you could sit in an empty room & just say something random. Apples? You were never going to live that down, Harry ;) Im never going to hear the words "one sugar level?" ever again. Im never going to be able to just sit there with my head on your shoulder just quiet and peaceful. & Who can honestly say the sentence "My Gran is 86 and went on a motorbike the other day" or "My Grans 86 and went in a hot air ballon or bungee jumped?" You truly were the up most amazing Gran, Woman & Mother. Your the most caring, intelligent, whitty woman I possibly could ever meet. You had the ability to turn a serious situation upside down just by making one comment. I love how you never gave up & how you were so young in mind, I mean sat in hospital asking how all the 'oldies' were doing when over half of them were younger than you. You never saw the bad in anyone, you always forgave... but never forgot. You always knew that you could see the good in everyone if you tried hard enough & that's what you did. I'm ashamed that I could never say anything like this to you in person, but I was never good at the whole talking thing, I can communicate more by writing, maybe I got that from you. There's so much more I could say, I could sit here talking about you for hours on end, But there's just one last thing you need to know, You don't have to worry, don't worry about any of us lot, they'll sort it out & if they don't maybe it will be for the best either way you can now keep your watchful eye on everybody. You are a massive loss to everyone's lives. You will deffinatly never be forgtton.

x 

If it's gonna be a rainy day
There's nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won't stop the rain
Feeling like you got no place to run
I can be your shelter 'til it's done
We can make this last forever
So please don't stop the rain
Let it fall...