Look I don't want to forget about it, but I have to. If I hang onto it & nothing ever happens I'll be the one regretting & moaning. But if something does happen then I'll remember everything. I just can't keep thinking about it because the more I think the worse I make it. I think about what's been said and question on wether I should trust it or believe it. But I've had enough of second guessing ! I've second guessed myself my whole life & It stops here.
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
I just don't know anymore.
I want to believe him & I want to not let this phase me but once again Im thinking way to much into it.
He's said all this stuff to me and Im really starting to doubt it.
The thing is even though this time we have talked about it, I don't know wether he's stringing me along or being genuine, I can't tell.
I wanna believe he's gonna break up with her but part of me knows that it's too good to be true, or atleast for me it is anyways.
& Then I stop myself and think, why am I seattling for this ? I deserve better ?
But it's what I want so im not seattling for anything less than what I want, maybe less than what I deserve.
If he's still with her when he goes away I guess that's my que to quit.
He won't give up though he's told me that himself. But at the same time he can't keep doing it while he's got a girlfriend.
I want to give him that ultimatum, but I can't. What if he choses her ? How stupid would I look.
People already think I look desperate because Im 'going after' someone with a girlfriend but they only see what they want to seriously. They don't see him flirting with me, putting his arms around me & trying to kiss me they just see me respond. And yeah if he flirts with me Im gonna flirt back we like each other why shouldn't we. & Yeah he flirts with everyone and probably tells alot of girls he really likes them & I wanna believe it's different with me but why would it be. I guess what he said to me he's said to girls before which is the reason I can't believe it, but then again he's told me he's only ever done this once and it was with me, but he would tell me that wouldn't he. Make's me think did he ring them to remind them of what he'd told them unall & to say goodnight. Did he text them twice in one day because he missed them ? But then did he lie ?
'Cause you're just the girl all the boys want to dance with
And I'm just the boy who's had too many chances
I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"
I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late
Write me off, give up on me
Cause darling, what did you expect
I'm just off a lost cause
a long shot, don't even take this bet
You can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights
Get all the sighs and the moans just right
What did I expect for him to break up with her the next day ?
Why do I always have to deal with repercussion's of everything I do ?
No one else seems to get any but when I do something all hell breaks lose.
I give up trying to be happy because no one seems to want that for me. I know what they think and I know their probably right but at the end of the day Im supposed to matter, aint I ?
Scenario...
I want him, He's with her.
He says he wants me, just not yet.
He gives out all the right signal sometimes, but then mixed ones other times.
The fact of the matter is what he says really doesn't mean anything to me anymore, because will he ever break up with her ? Honestly, I don't think so. So im just playing a game im gonna lose at every time.
But yet I can't stop it because no matter how many stupid times a day I remind myself of this, there's still this big part of me that wants to believe that I deserve something good to happen to me for a change & that this could be that one good thing. And I think if it is that one good thing I can't let it go, if I do let it go and then I realise it was going to happen, I've missed it. But then I think if it was ment to happen it would have by now.
But since when does anything run smoothly, love never has, families never do... All the greater things in life have complications at some point you just have to work through them.
Or maybe Im just thinking into this wayyyyy to much & I should stop because it's not doing anyone any good.
But 5 months he's kept this up, 5 months, even when he has a girlfriend. What exactly do you do? After 5 months of hearing the same things but him not doing anything, well okay he tried but I turned him down with every reason to i.e Girlfriend.
I know lately [I say lately and really I mean the last 3/4 months worth of blogs] you could read my whole blog and figure out that probably the last 20 odd entries are about him or the same old thing, but everytime I think something I have to write it down for it to make sense, then I go for a run to get it out of my head & shake it off.
I don't wanna leave, I don't want things to change. I like them the way they are now. Im happier than I've ever been right now. I 've never known so many people & never had so much confidence.
It's my comfort zone & I like it. I like the people in it & the way things in it have changed for the better.
I don't want it to be taken away. Im not ready for such a big change yet. I know if it happens I probably won't see or hear from most of those people I've come to like. I don't want that.
The best thing I ever did for myself was go there & now it's over. I think I may actually cry at this one. I didn't cry leaving comp but spending two years up there & now leafing makes me sad.
Don't make me leave them all behind.
It's cruel, but I guess im just glad I've been able to be part of it.
Gullible is the prefect word to describe me right now.
WTF am I doing ?
I don't do this shit, I've spent my whole life avoiding it & now it's smacked me in the face good n' proper.
Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to believe.
I have different people telling me different things, all of which are true.
I need to wake up seriously.
Alex this is your life now mind. Nothing ever goes right for you, this is probably as far as it will ever go. You need to accept that.
No more excuses about what he's said or what he's done.
'Cause the fact is you can't make anything of it until you've got cold hard proof that something should be made of it.
URGH SUCKS ASS CAN'T I JUST HAVE ONE THING JUST ONCE, ONE PLEASE ?
BTW I don't care if that was negitive, I have no reason to be positive about this situation, it sucks ask anyone who knows about it they'll tell you how fucking fustrating it is.
Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know
Who has to know
The way she feels inside
Those thoughts I can't deny
These sleeping thoughts won't lie & all I've tried to hide
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
I don't wanna be someones stupid secret
=/
Actions speak louder than words every time.
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